man

this job is killing me.

and yet i know i’ll never quit. never really put my foot down and refuse to basically be whored out for minimum wage. never make them stand up and agree that my job is a joke. even though i lose sleep over it, i stress about it, i eat less because of it, i’ve started getting migranes.

hell i dream about going into work to a never ending pile of things i can never get done.

and they’ll never fire me because i literally am the best person they have working there.

so what, i’m a suck up and i actually do my job.

where has that actually gotten me.
a raise? no
a promotion? no

being well liked by my co workers? no.

what’s the point of all the effort i put into this job?

is it pathetic that i’m staying at this job mainly for one of my managers whom i’m not going to lie, i have a crush on.

seriously, everyone else in the building could go suck it but i’d feel generally horrible if i dissapointed him, and i’d miss him.

pathetic. pathetic pathetic.

i am doing nothing with my life.

i’m 22, and i’m going absolutely nowhere.

maybe

i’m bipolar? who knows.

was crying to my mom tonight about the state of my life and she asked me what i really like to do besides spend money…

and i couldn’t think of anything.

and the truth is i actually hate spending money. i wish i could get everything for free, but i like the feeling of having things.

although it fades really really quickly once i actually get them.

shopping is cathartic for me in a way.

other than the realization that i have no joy in life besides the temporary high of purchasing things my day has been pretty boring.

how about you.

i’m drowning.

i swear i’m trying
i swear it’s doing nothing
i need the end.

today was a definite down

off the lexapro still,
got the notice that i’m officially uninsured because i went under half time status at school
so i can’t go to the doctor anymore. so no more pills/therapy.
i can’t even afford a place of my own let alone medical bills.

and my belly button is infected. like bad. not even where i got it pierced. like the actually belly button part of it.

makes me wish i could just go for a quick visit and get a prescrip to fill at walgreens for around 35 bucks instead of 300 or more. oh well, i’ll tough it out at home and hope it doesn’t get too bad.

friend finally contacted me today saying why am i never online anymore? kind of weird cause i feel i’m always online. i thought she was the one not being online. i know all i have to do is call her and we can sort this out, but i don’t feel like dealing with it.

i don’t feel like dealing with anything.

i feel better.

no one reads this anymore. but i do feel better. even if it’s just for today. and that’s okay with me, at least it’s something.

life is shitty

blah rant blah rant blah.

life is shitty.

thinking about going back on.

i don’t know.

i’m coming up with all these solutions because it’s what everyone else needs from me.

they need timelines and goals and motivation and blah blah blah

so i give it to them.

instead of telling them that i have no idea.

i say oh look i could go to cosmetology school.

do i really feel like dressing up every single day of my life to compete with other girls who care so much more about hair and shit than i do? no.

or hey i could join americorps… do i really want to do back breaking work in the middle of the forest, for little pay and no convienences for half a year. no not really.

but this is what they want. this is what will make my life more acceptable.

if i just play along. i do something useful with myself. if i lose weight and find some boring rich man to marry.

if i make enough money to make them proud of me.

if i put away the bread before i finish eating instead of right after.

those are the right things to do. the right way to do them.

i’m not figuring it out on my own.

so i guess i’ll just do what’s right. and good and honorable… and straight from that ancient book they say has relevance to my life.

but i’ve never seen a glimpse in it of this ‘disease’ of this major malfunction that makes me less than human.

but i will do what is right.

ps. my best friend is mad at me, because i’m not going to guatemala this spring break and i didn’t tell her yet. she doesn’t realize that i was just trying to find the courage to. i’ve let her down too much already. hopefully she’ll start talking to me again.

where is this going.

what am i letting this build up to.

i’m basically ignroing every thing that is wrong in my life.

i just don’t want to face the facts

i don’t care that i’m up to my ears in debt, i don’t care that i can’t go back to school anywhere because i owe two schools money and i can’t pay them, i don’t care that i can’t pay my ticket and there’s a warrant for my arrest. i don’t care. come get me lock me up, take my wages or something.

i can’t deal with it. i can’t deal with it.

i can’t sit around and watch everyone else in my life do better things.

i can’t deal with it.

i skipped a day of work a few weeks ago.
i told my mom i went to work but really spent the whole day crying,
i told my boss i had a mental breakdown.

why am i more honest with my boss than my mom?

i cut my whole arm up until it bled and bled.

i counted all the pills i could find over and over and over again and i wanted to take them but i’m a failure even at failing.

i want to go on ski trip. i know it will be a happy time for me.

but i don’t want to come back.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

i have to pop a pill or else i feel like i can’t stand a single thing.

when i’m off the meds i get frustrated to the point where i will just start having a panic attack and sit down and cry and i can’t do anything.

when i’m on the meds, i feel irratible and it enables me to forget about my problems and ignore them like i want to.

i don’t think any of it is good for me.

i never went to the doctor on the 15th cause i couldn’t afford the gas to get there.

he never called me.

glad he cares about whether or not i’m a live.

i need to go back because i need more pills but the anxiety istaking over and i can’t call.

my life is filled with a long list of can’ts won’ts and don’t want tos.

i want out of this hell.

i want out.

i know i’m crazy

i just want it to end.

i don’t care how, i don’t care. i just want to die.

or i just want my life to be happy, but i know it can’t anymore. so dieing is the only option. that or the loony bin.

do they forgive your debts for a suicide. i don’t want to leave my famiyl with debt. i have already ruined their lives.

i don’t want to die, but i can’t not die.

please ignore this like you always do.

still hanging on.

by a thread if any. feel like an irratible fool when i’m on the meds and feel like taking 30 at once when i’m not.

can’t there be a compromise?

i

i want to die. modern medicine has failed me. life does not get better. happy pills are too good to be true.
people love me, but love can’t make you stop fucking up. can’t make you stop disappointing the whole goddamn world.
feeling like no one loved me would be better than this.
if no one loved me i wouldn’t have to live with this guilt day in and day out. i wouldn’t have to struggle and fail to be a better person.
this hole is too deep.
i cannot get out.
i cannot get out.
i cannot get out
there is no way out.